Chris and I always had a plan. We wanted two kids. We wanted to wait as long as possible to have them. We wanted them both by the time we were 30. Back then we thought we’d be too old and out off shape to have kids any later than that. The original plan said one at 28 and one at 29 I think. What were we thinking?!?
The plan changed though. We had Bennett when we were 26. We were so excited. I had such an easy pregnancy. Other than B laying on my sciatic nerve and the frequent case of heartburn (fueled by my never-ending craving for spicy food), I really had no problems at all.
This is me at a baby shower two weeks before Bennett was born. I was fat and happy!
See those pictures in the background? Those are two fat babies that grew up and had a fat baby. Don’t know about you, but I LOVE fat babies.
As much as I wanted to deliver before my April Fool’s due date, my stubborn child refused to come until he was absolutely forced. He’s like his momma in that we don’t like to wake up until we’re good and ready:). When he finally arrived, I was so drugged up I couldn’t even hold him for several hours, hence the immediate bond between him and his daddy. I still blame this every time they gang up on me.
B was a great baby and I love him very much, but no matter how much Chris begged, there was no way I felt ready to have another baby as soon as he did. Chris and his brother are close in age and get along well. They grew up around the same time and had many of the same friends. I, on the other hand, am almost 6 years older than my brother. We get along very well, too.
I just couldn’t imagine double of everything. I thought I just wanted to let B grow up some so I wouldn’t be paying the equivalent of a house note to a babysitter each month. I didn’t want a ginormous stroller. And I most certainly didn’t want to have to change 50 nasty diapers a day.
Last summer, I caved. I let Chris talk me into being ready. I know it’s not all his fault, but I like to think it is just in case anything goes wrong I can blame it on him (just kidding). I started thinking that I didn’t want my babies too far apart and I don’t want to be on maternity leave when B goes to kindergarten in August 2014.
Occasionally, Bennett would entertain the idea of our family having a baby. He usually shrugged this off pretty quickly though. Over the past few months, he has started talking about wanting a baby more and more. He will come up with random questions and ideas about things he’ll do with the baby or things we need to get to be ready. This has become a daily occurence. He asks us all the time when we’re going to get a baby and we always give him the standard “when God thinks we’re ready” answer. It seemed like a gentle way of putting it, that he couldn’t dispute, and it would usually get him off the subject.
Bennett’s teacher is having a baby in a few weeks. She told me one day that, any time her baby is mentioned, B says that we are having a baby too. If they ask him when, he tells them when God thinks we are ready. I realized then that he was just soaking in our standard answer.
Last week, Bennett was standing in the living room and just threw himself back on the couch. He looked up to the sky and said “Please God give us a baby! I want a baby so bad. Please, please, please.” This just about broke my heart.
Since last Friday, the following things have happened: found out one friend is having a baby, another friend found out what she is having, two friends had babies, and one of them told me how excited her little boy, who is the same age as B, was to meet his little brother. I am so happy for all of my friends. I know each one of them will be a fantastic mother, whether it’s their first or second baby, but I have been so emotional.
I think part of it is that I didn’t even realize that I wanted a baby THAT much. I’ve really surprised myself this week. As I looked through some old pictures tonight, I found this picture of my sweet 6 month old baby boy on his first Halloween and I felt that wave of emotion coming on again.
I reminded myself of something that is the grown-up version of my “standard answer” for Bennett.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I have to remember that God will give us a baby when and if he thinks we’re ready. I just have to be patient and know that He has a plan for my family that is better than any other that we could make for ourselves.
Thanks for reading,